Over and over I hear the anguished cries of how society should have stopped Elliot Rodger and how
this can never happen again. Apparently society seems to think that
the answer is to stop or catch such people before they can act or buy
a gun. So I am deeply disturbed that no one is considering that the
only real way to stop people like Elliot is to prevent such hatred
from forming in the first place.
Except for two people (including the
family lawyer who described Elliot as the loneliest person and a
single young man who actually tried to reach out to him), no one else
has mentioned the pain Elliot described as long endured“torture,” nor that
Elliot has said he didn't even know why he was rejected the way he
was, nor that Elliot apparently lived a life of extreme emotional
isolation and disconnect.
In today's electronic society, where
people seemingly cannot survive for
even one moment without being connected to each other, it seems to me
that the consequences of not being able to connect on a personal
level would have profound psychological consequences. Being and
having connections with other people is so important to the human
race, that in some societies being able to withdraw into a long
period of solitude while being at peace with it is considered a sign
of supreme self mastery and spiritual development. Tom Hanks gave us
a taste of extreme isolation in Castaway. He became hysterical and
distraught when he lost Wilson, a soccer ball with a face on it...the
closest thing he had for a companion. Most people would be hard
pressed to be alone for a week, let alone a lifetime. Yet, from what
we know, it would seem that Elliot endured a lifetime of disconnect
from, well, apparently everybody.
Welcome to the
world of the excluded, the dismissed, the odd, the presumed unworthy.
There is a wealth of people on this planet that could stand for the
terms: Misunderstood, Prejudged and Excluded. Many ethnic/racial
groups: the most recent being the Muslims, but let's not forget the blacks, the Mexicans, the Jews, the Japanese in
WWII, etc. The many social classes: a current favorite, the
homeless, followed by anyone on government assistance, the illegals,
the gays, etc. The many disordered: the scarred, the physically
dysfunctional, the developmentally delayed, the mentally ill, etc.
As someone who fits some of these categories, frankly I'm tired of
the demeaning comments, dismissed with “Oh,
well, I don't mean you.” Yes! Yes, you do! When the
American public so cavalierly comments on a group as a whole, then
that comment applies to everyone in that category. As an aspie,
I've never had anywhere near the level of isolation and exclusion
that Elliot had, but I've experienced enough of it that I can
understand why he would think so little of his contemporaries. This
does not mean that I condone violence by Elliot or anyone. What it
does mean is that I think I understand why it
happened.
Being
included and being
viewed as a wanted and valuable member of society is so important to
us as a people that when this does not happen one of three things
occurs. You just accept as best you can that you are going to have a
life of less: less love, less respect, less communication, less of
the normal things that others, even the most obnoxious idiot or
cruelest being will likely have, OR you turn your angst inward and
live a life of despair. If you can't take it, you off yourself. Suddenly everyone mourns your lost life and a lot of people feel responsible because no
one should have to live such a lonely disregarded
life. OR lastly, you don't turn it inward. Instead you look at how
people are treating you and each other: the judgment, the lies that
society makes about people that they don't really know but presume to
call facts, and the disregard for people based on total lack of
knowledge, caring and the lack of insight that others are also feeling, hurting
individuals. Some take that and at some point they become so deeply
broken and twisted that no matter what else happens or who
approaches, they are unlikely to recover. Instead their life plays
out in an even larger tragedy. Only this time it is all about how
society has been wronged and society is quick to deny any
responsibility for what has happened. But if you have ever purposely
ignored, snubbed, looked past or in anyway excluded someone then you
have contributed to a deep hurt that many in society feel. And while
you may think that what you did was insignificant or somehow justified, those affected
will tell you that you have inflicted deep wounds, wounds that may
fester and turn into something very ugly. When something like that grows it must be excised lest it kill the individual and any
surgeon will tell you that surgery takes aggressive action...one way
or another.
In the early
seventies a third grade public school teacher devised a remarkable
plan known as the Blue Eyed/ Brown Eyed Exercise. In this experiment
designed to help her students relate to racism, Jane Elliot first
told the students that those who were blue eyed were superior. They
were put at the head of the class and given rewards. Soon they began
the demeaning behaviors associated with “superiority.” In a single day the Superiors' work improved while the Inferiors' diminished. At the
next class she informed them that she had made a mistake and that it
was the brown eyed individuals who were superior and their roles were
reversed. Afterwards she assigned the class the task of writing
about what they had learned from the experience. As publicity of
this experiment grew, the oft quoted line became, “How dare you
conduct such a cruel experiment on white children.”
Yet what many in
the past saw as cruel, still remains a mainstay for many individuals,
and far too many in society think nothing of it.
Lately I've seen
numerous examples where someone intervened to stop the pain. An
adult or a child would come forward and explain to a classroom or
group, either their or another child's pain in reaction to such
exclusion and prejudice. Then magic happened. From
then on there would be people who included that child. From then on
that child would have friends. In some cases the formerly neglected
child would have a friend for life or the whole school would rally
round him or her. Then that child would blossom and live the
fulfillment of its life that formerly would never have been possible.
The sad thing is that when this happens it's so rare and remarkable that it
makes the news.
So I can't help but
wonder, what if that had happened to Elliot? What if early on people
had included him and helped him to feel that he belonged? We shall
never know what the outcome might have been. Whether or not such
a thing might have helped Elliot, I do feel certain that it would
have a profoundly positive effect on the lives of many individuals,
and their contemporaries, especially if such things began to happen
on a wider scale.
And while I mostly write about the homeless and poverty stricken, it is all the same
thing. My work is really about people who are hurting, people who
society demeans, and makes up stories about how and why so many are
“worthless” or “scum” or somehow less human, somehow less
valuable, somehow less worthy of even your consideration. The world
is full of individuals who are hurting and often ignored. When
people say “I never even looked at him,” or “I didn't do
anything!” well, that's the problem. It's accepted practice in
America to find someone different and define him in a lesser light so
that we might feel superior as individuals or right in our actions.
When we do this by passive means, it's known as
passive-aggression, and it absolutely has the same psychological
effect as bullying. Yet if bullying is unacceptable, then why is shunning still okay to do? Because in the
grand scheme of things, in it's total impact on the individual, ergo
that individual's response to it, it IS the same thing. Since
passive-aggressive behavior IS a form of aggression we as a society
need to recognize that inherent in aggression is the possibility that
the recipient may eventually respond in kind.
Until we begin to
look at and question our own thoughts, until we consider how our
apathy, our lack of concern and our denial of our profound ability to
judge and make up stories about others, along with the arrogance that
comes with denial of culpability, things will not change. The result will be people who are crushed by the shadow side of American society, who will become
broken or twisted and who will respond in dire and unpredictable
ways. It's a sad thing to say, but true, that when an individual or
group responds with aggression that they are acting more like us than
we want to believe.
Believe it.
As a society we
need to consider how our neglect affects others, especially now
because times are changing and negative events are growing for both
our planet and its inhabitants. More and more people are angry and
unhappy and looking for someone to play the part of the scapegoat.
It is an atmosphere ripe for similar developments...on BOTH sides of
the aisle.
So please, begin to
look inward and scrutinize your thoughts and beliefs about others. If it is true, how do you actually know so? Pay attention to things
outside your own head. Simply smile at someone or say hello. Go to someone's
aid. Be kind. Be aware. Be proactive. Do it for them, do it for
you, do it for your kids, do it to help ensure a healthy future for
everyone. Do it for whatever reason you like, but just do it or
begin to try to do it. It is so important for all of us. And
necessary. It is absolutely necessary.
Todays Lesson: "A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal." Steve Maraboli
copyright Linda Matthews 6/2/2014
copyright Linda Matthews 6/2/2014
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